Can I share a pet peeve?
I’m sick and tired of people defining manliness, maturity, and responsibility as getting married, having children, and not playing video games. (I know, the video games seem like a non-sequitur, something I’m personally defensive about – I’d think it was, if it wasn’t consistently brought up by speakers on the other side of the topic.) These are often people whose idea of an ideal society is a glorified version of the American Midwest in the 1950’s – a 1950’s that never actually happened. I think the message “get a job you hate, get married, make babies, and then you’ll know you’re a man” is inaccurate, offensive, and irresponsibly dangerous.
A word that is often used by these speakers/writers is “responsibility.” And I think responsibility is a great thing. However, I disagree with the assertion that getting a wage-slave job (especially if you hate it), getting married, and having children are the only ways to demonstrate responsibility. There is a difference between shirking responsibility and avoiding it, and between avoiding responsibility and being careful not to take it up unwisely. A guy who gets married, has a child, and then abandons his family is shirking his responsibility, even though he’s working his way down the checklist of manliness. A guy who doesn’t get married because he doesn’t want the responsibility may not be more mature, but at least he’s more honest. The third guy, the one who intends to get married, find a job, and have children, but isn’t committing until he finds a job and a wife that are wise to commit to, is being responsible; yet he’s labeled as “not a man” because he’s single past age 21 (or whatever arbitrary age the speaker wants to set).
This inaccurate labeling is why I am often offended by speakers who tell their audiences that because I (and men like me) are not manly, are not mature, and are irresponsible because we are not married, do not have children, and like video games (again, they included video games in the list first). They often make blanket statements that we live in our mother’s basement and have no desire to move out or move on. I’m not saying that guys like that don’t exist. I’m saying that when speakers make sweeping accusations that are inaccurate it offends me, because it asserts that my decisions (namely, to wait to get married and have children, and to play video games from time to time) are HORRIBLE life choices and reveal my immaturity. I often get the feeling listening to these speakers that they would have immense respect for me if I were in a lifeless marriage, had children that I could barely afford to support, and spent my free time watching football; because I’ve made different choices, I’m not qualified to be a man.
There’s a proverb that reads, “blessed is the man who swears to his own hurt, and sticks to me.” I get the impression that the speakers I’m referring to understand this to mean, “A REAL man promises to do things that will make him miserable, and then keeps his promises.” The man who does not seek out opportunities to promise things that will make him unhappy is tossed into the same basket as the guy who breaks every promise he makes. I feel like I am being called dishonorable and immature because I am not an emotional masochist.
Clearly, I disagree with the speakers in marry-and-make-babies camp. However, I see many around me who do not, and this is what makes these speakers dangerous. I seem guys rushing into ill-advised marriages because it’s what they’re told to do. Sometimes these guys are okay with the choices they’ve made; often, their marriages and work lives are miserable. I think there would be far few divorces if the objective were defined as “finding someone I can have a healthy marriage with” instead of “getting married.” But because speakers keep telling guys that they’ll be men once they get married and have children, guys are rushing to make choices that will make them miserable, make it harder to keep stick to their promises, and drag their new families down with them.
Guys, if your honest desire is to get married, to make babies, and to stop playing video games, go for it. Be smart as you make decisions pursuing these goals, but don’t let deter you. But if your motivation for making these incredible commitments (or giving up something you think is fun) is to reach a goal that someone else set for you, STOP. Before you hurt someone else, before you hurt yourself. Do some self examination. Start making choices for your own reasons. Then stick to your commitments. That’s how you become a man.
In my opinion, anyway.