TiMER addresses both of these questions well, along with the implications of living in a world where these timers are as common as iPods (and, in a nice touch, sold in a very Apple Store environment).  It made me think about what I believe about soul mates, true love, destiny, and the like.

I’ve said in the past, and thought again today, that “I believe in true love for other people, just not for me.”  I believe that everyone has soul mates, but that this idea can and should exist separately from the idea of love (not to say that your lover shouldn’t be your soul mate, but that your soul mate doesn’t have to be your lover).  I told someone as recently as last week that when I begin to be interested in a girl, I play through the relationship in my mind, all the way through to things turning sour and the break up (I’ve been told this is a terrible mindset; it probably is, and it probably has something to do with why I don’t put much effort into getting into a relationship).

I believe that not all relationships end, that many turn into marriages that last till death.  I see examples of this in my immediate and extended family, and in several friends’ relationships.  I also see that at least half of all American marriages end in divorce, and way more than half of dating relationships end in break ups.  I’m not sure whether it’s cynicism or pessimism or something else, but for the past few years I’ve had trouble believing that I’ll ever find true love.

Which is probably why I haven’t.  If you don’t think something’s there, you don’t put much effort into looking for it, do you?

Anyways, go watch TiMER.  And then ask yourself questions about soul mates, one true love, and whether it’s good to know (or think you know) your destiny.

Trope of the Day: Flynning – classic swashbuckling action.

It also explains why politicians are paid so much by lobbyists and special interest groups compared to their tax-based salaries.

I’m sick and tired of people defining manliness, maturity, and responsibility as getting married, having children, and not playing video games.  (I know, the video games seem like a non-sequitur, something I’m personally defensive about – I’d think it was, if it wasn’t consistently brought up by speakers on the other side of the topic.)  These are often people whose idea of an ideal society is a glorified version of the American Midwest in the 1950’s – a 1950’s that never actually happened.  I think the message “get a job you hate, get married, make babies, and then you’ll know you’re a man” is inaccurate, offensive, and irresponsibly dangerous.

A word that is often used by these speakers/writers is “responsibility.”  And I think responsibility is a great thing.  However, I disagree with the assertion that getting a wage-slave job (especially if you hate it), getting married, and having children are the only ways to demonstrate responsibility.  There is a difference between shirking responsibility and avoiding it, and between avoiding responsibility and being careful not to take it up unwisely.  A guy who gets married, has a child, and then abandons his family is shirking his responsibility, even though he’s working his way down the checklist of manliness.  A guy who doesn’t get married because he doesn’t want the responsibility may not be more mature, but at least he’s more honest.  The third guy, the one who intends to get married, find a job, and have children, but isn’t committing until he finds a job and a wife that are wise to commit to, is being responsible; yet he’s labeled as “not a man” because he’s single past age 21 (or whatever arbitrary age the speaker wants to set).

This inaccurate labeling is why I am often offended by speakers who tell their audiences that because I (and men like me) are not manly, are not mature, and are irresponsible because we are not married, do not have children, and like video games (again, they included video games in the list first).  They often make blanket statements that we live in our mother’s basement and have no desire to move out or move on.  I’m not saying that guys like that don’t exist.  I’m saying that when speakers make sweeping accusations that are inaccurate it offends me, because it asserts that my decisions (namely, to wait to get married and have children, and to play video games from time to time) are HORRIBLE life choices and reveal my immaturity.  I often get the feeling listening to these speakers that they would have immense respect for me if I were in a lifeless marriage, had children that I could barely afford to support, and spent my free time watching football; because I’ve made different choices, I’m not qualified to be a man.

There’s a proverb that reads, “blessed is the man who swears to his own hurt, and sticks to me.”  I get the impression that the speakers I’m referring to understand this to mean, “A REAL man promises to do things that will make him miserable, and then keeps his promises.”  The man who does not seek out opportunities to promise things that will make him unhappy is tossed into the same basket as the guy who breaks every promise he makes.  I feel like I am being called dishonorable and immature because I am not an emotional masochist.

Clearly, I disagree with the speakers in marry-and-make-babies camp.  However, I see many around me who do not, and this is what makes these speakers dangerous.  I seem guys rushing into ill-advised marriages because it’s what they’re told to do.  Sometimes these guys are okay with the choices they’ve made; often, their marriages and work lives are miserable.  I think there would be far few divorces if the objective were defined as “finding someone I can have a healthy marriage with” instead of “getting married.”  But because speakers keep telling guys that they’ll be men once they get married and have children, guys are rushing to make choices that will make them miserable, make it harder to keep stick to their promises, and drag their new families down with them.

Guys, if your honest desire is to get married, to make babies, and to stop playing video games, go for it.  Be smart as you make decisions pursuing these goals, but don’t let deter you.  But if your motivation for making these incredible commitments (or giving up something you think is fun) is to reach a goal that someone else set for you, STOP.  Before you hurt someone else, before you hurt yourself.  Do some self examination.  Start making choices for your own reasons.  Then stick to your commitments.  That’s how you become a man.

In my opinion, anyway.

Love poetry is sappy drivel.  Awesome “I’m single and I love it” poetry… well, if it existed it’d be better than everything else.

I don’t have to watch movies, TV, etc. that I don’t want to. This goes double for anything with Miley Cyrus.

Any great fantasy hero is single, so I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice.

I hate the word “stuck.”

I hate being expected to do things I didn’t choose.

I hate people expecting me to have the same motivations they do.

I hate the way underachieving makes me feel.

I’m laughing more than I was a year or two ago. I used to do this quiet chuckle, but more and more lately I’ve noticed that I’m full on laughing.

I like that.

I got to thinking that if I’m ever being put in the back of a car, and I have enough presence of mind, I should go ahead and head-butt the roof of the car. Just for spite.

My favorite was “migraines are like Disney musicals: they turn me into an 8 year-old girl.”

Anywho, I’ve been seeing lots of “what happened in the past decade” posts. They’re fun to read, especially seeing how far some people have come and everything they’ve been through. This is not going to be one of those posts, but it is going to be somewhat reflective.

I’ve not the guy I was 10 years ago. I was a sophomore in high school then, and I had certainty. Now I’m heading in to my first year of grad school, and – while I put faith in several truths – I have uncertainty.

I’m not the guy I was a year ago. I knew I needed a change then, but didn’t necessarily have a purpose. I hoped shaking things up by moving across the country would help me find purpose. I didn’t, not exactly, but I did learn a lot. About myself, about my faith, about people. Most significantly (to me), I had a couple realizations about how the ideas “you reap what you sow/find what you look for” work in life. Not in the “if you’re nice then people will be nice to you” sense so much as looking at the way goals, actions, and strategies work together.

If you’re waiting for the moral, for the lesson of this post, don’t. There is no lesson. The closest thing is a message, and that’s “People change. I change. Change is the result of learning.” Which I guess is more of a couple observations than a message.

So, a toast: To change. I want 2010 to be awesome in all the ways I think about but never wind up doing.

Also, do yourself a favor and check out Neil Gaiman’s New Years wishes. The man has a gift for words I can only dream of and aspire to – at this point. But that could change in the future.

But that’s not what this post is about, that’s just taking care of business. The bulk of this is going to be me working through my thoughts, trying to sort things out. I feel like in college I had plenty of people to talk things through with, but since then not so much. (I don’t think that’s accurate, but I spent the past year-ish living thousands of miles from my confidants). So only read the rest of this if you want to eavesdrop on my talking to myself.

Like most young people, I spend a fair amount of time thinking about relationships and the opposite gender. In high school I had certain opinions on the subject, and while I’ve moved quite a ways away from that point I know that’s where I came from. I can’t change the past, and since the past is what brought me to where I am today I wouldn’t want to.

In college (and after), I’ve tended to have one of a few positions on relationships. “Hey, I’m getting good vibes from this girl and I’m attracted to her, let’s see if there’s anything there” is one. “I’m gonna be moving soon and don’t want to start anything” and “$&*# I just had a relationship end badly, let’s not do that again” were reasons I’ve decided to rest on my laurels at times.

Over the past year or so, I’ve had two thoughts I keep running into and (at least partially) disagreeing with. One is a position I’ve heard others endorse (external) giving reasons to try to get married, the other is my own mental block I’m trying to deal with (internal) giving reasons not to date.

External: I’m sick and tired of people telling me that I HAVE to get married (or telling other people, or telling everyone young, etc etc). I’ve heard it several different times from the pulpit, I’ve overheard it or been told it in conversation, and it’s the general vibe American society gives singles (if you’ve ever gone to a restaurant and asked for a table for 1, you know what I mean). I’ve heard pastors say that getting married is how to become a man, and that I’m a loser and a joke for being out of college and single. No scripture to back up either claim – just yelling.

I’ve been told that it’s a Christian duty to get married and make babies, “because that’s the number one way the church gets new members.” 1) that’s a description of what is, not what should be, and 2) what does it say about your religious system if the number one recruiting tool is brainwashing kids in Sunday School?

Lastly, to the embodiment of American culture that I will call Dave I say this: “Dave, I get it. I’ve heard the songs, seen the movies and tv shows, and read the books. Love is awesome, especially if Hugh Grant or Drew Barrymore is involved. Can you please make a little room for the single folks now? Thanks.”

Internal: This one’s tougher, b/c I’m not sure where the voice in my head is coming from. On a few separate occasions recently, I’ve found myself thinking something along the lines of, “Wow, she’s an awesome girl. But I’m not right for her. She deserves a guy who’s more ____.” Maybe this is right sometimes. Or maybe it’s the voice of my fear, making excuses for reasons not to take chances. It’s hard to tell, since the voice is in my head. It always sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

The thing is, there are times this is right. There are probably billions of girls in the world that I’m not right for. If I had money to spare, I would bet money on this. Of all the girls in the world that I am not right for, it makes sense that I’d have met several of them over the course of my life, and more hypothetical betting money would say that I’ll think some of these girls are awesome. So maybe I’m just saving myself time and pain by not asking out girls that things would end badly with.

However, there are at least a couple reasons not to listen to this voice. One is that it’s not very respectful to the awesome girl. She deserves the chance to decide whether I’m right for her, doesn’t she? It’s also likely that sometimes this voice will be coming from my fear, which does its darnedest to keep me from taking any chances at all. And not taking chances is a sure-fire way to not accomplish anything.

So then.

At the beginning, I was going to say that I wasn’t sure whether or not to listen to that voice. But now it sounds like I’ve convinced myself to give it no credence. Sure, there are times it’ll be right. But those times, there will be other factors I should use to make the decision. That voice, that fear, shouldn’t be making the decision for me.

Huh.

I guess talking things out does help.