Pen to Paper

I realized something this afternoon.

I’m laughing more than I was a year or two ago. I used to do this quiet chuckle, but more and more lately I’ve noticed that I’m full on laughing.

I like that.

Watching Youth in Revolt tonight, I had a thought. You know how whenever you see police putting someone in the back of a squad car on TV or in movies, they guide the back of the suspects head so that they don’t hit it on the door? That way they can’t be accused of brutality or negligence or whatever.

I got to thinking that if I’m ever being put in the back of a car, and I have enough presence of mind, I should go ahead and head-butt the roof of the car. Just for spite.

Migraines that wake you up at 2:30am are no fun, but can lead to some funny thoughts.

My favorite was “migraines are like Disney musicals: they turn me into an 8 year-old girl.”

So it’s a new year, I guess? And a new decade, although (like birthdays and anything else annual) it’s always a new year compared to a year and a minute ago, and a new decade compared to ten years and one minute ago. But when the numbers change we all seem to get reflective. In a thoughtful way, not shininess. Although becoming shiny when numbers roll over would be pretty cool.

Anywho, I’ve been seeing lots of “what happened in the past decade” posts. They’re fun to read, especially seeing how far some people have come and everything they’ve been through. This is not going to be one of those posts, but it is going to be somewhat reflective.

I’ve not the guy I was 10 years ago. I was a sophomore in high school then, and I had certainty. Now I’m heading in to my first year of grad school, and – while I put faith in several truths – I have uncertainty.

I’m not the guy I was a year ago. I knew I needed a change then, but didn’t necessarily have a purpose. I hoped shaking things up by moving across the country would help me find purpose. I didn’t, not exactly, but I did learn a lot. About myself, about my faith, about people. Most significantly (to me), I had a couple realizations about how the ideas “you reap what you sow/find what you look for” work in life. Not in the “if you’re nice then people will be nice to you” sense so much as looking at the way goals, actions, and strategies work together.

If you’re waiting for the moral, for the lesson of this post, don’t. There is no lesson. The closest thing is a message, and that’s “People change. I change. Change is the result of learning.” Which I guess is more of a couple observations than a message.

So, a toast: To change. I want 2010 to be awesome in all the ways I think about but never wind up doing.

Also, do yourself a favor and check out Neil Gaiman’s New Years wishes. The man has a gift for words I can only dream of and aspire to – at this point. But that could change in the future.

First off, I know it’s been over a month since a 7 Word Review. That’s because the only new movie (read: in theaters) I’ve seen in the past month is Ninja Assassin, and that only needs a 2 word review (Ninja. Assassin.) Maybe I should expand that to include movies on DVD and books… but I’m also planning to bring in a widget for Goodreads, which would (presumbably) cover that end. If you’ve got a suggestion along these lines, please do share.

But that’s not what this post is about, that’s just taking care of business. The bulk of this is going to be me working through my thoughts, trying to sort things out. I feel like in college I had plenty of people to talk things through with, but since then not so much. (I don’t think that’s accurate, but I spent the past year-ish living thousands of miles from my confidants). So only read the rest of this if you want to eavesdrop on my talking to myself.

Like most young people, I spend a fair amount of time thinking about relationships and the opposite gender. In high school I had certain opinions on the subject, and while I’ve moved quite a ways away from that point I know that’s where I came from. I can’t change the past, and since the past is what brought me to where I am today I wouldn’t want to.

In college (and after), I’ve tended to have one of a few positions on relationships. “Hey, I’m getting good vibes from this girl and I’m attracted to her, let’s see if there’s anything there” is one. “I’m gonna be moving soon and don’t want to start anything” and “$&*# I just had a relationship end badly, let’s not do that again” were reasons I’ve decided to rest on my laurels at times.

Over the past year or so, I’ve had two thoughts I keep running into and (at least partially) disagreeing with. One is a position I’ve heard others endorse (external) giving reasons to try to get married, the other is my own mental block I’m trying to deal with (internal) giving reasons not to date.

External: I’m sick and tired of people telling me that I HAVE to get married (or telling other people, or telling everyone young, etc etc). I’ve heard it several different times from the pulpit, I’ve overheard it or been told it in conversation, and it’s the general vibe American society gives singles (if you’ve ever gone to a restaurant and asked for a table for 1, you know what I mean). I’ve heard pastors say that getting married is how to become a man, and that I’m a loser and a joke for being out of college and single. No scripture to back up either claim – just yelling.

I’ve been told that it’s a Christian duty to get married and make babies, “because that’s the number one way the church gets new members.” 1) that’s a description of what is, not what should be, and 2) what does it say about your religious system if the number one recruiting tool is brainwashing kids in Sunday School?

Lastly, to the embodiment of American culture that I will call Dave I say this: “Dave, I get it. I’ve heard the songs, seen the movies and tv shows, and read the books. Love is awesome, especially if Hugh Grant or Drew Barrymore is involved. Can you please make a little room for the single folks now? Thanks.”

Internal: This one’s tougher, b/c I’m not sure where the voice in my head is coming from. On a few separate occasions recently, I’ve found myself thinking something along the lines of, “Wow, she’s an awesome girl. But I’m not right for her. She deserves a guy who’s more ____.” Maybe this is right sometimes. Or maybe it’s the voice of my fear, making excuses for reasons not to take chances. It’s hard to tell, since the voice is in my head. It always sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

The thing is, there are times this is right. There are probably billions of girls in the world that I’m not right for. If I had money to spare, I would bet money on this. Of all the girls in the world that I am not right for, it makes sense that I’d have met several of them over the course of my life, and more hypothetical betting money would say that I’ll think some of these girls are awesome. So maybe I’m just saving myself time and pain by not asking out girls that things would end badly with.

However, there are at least a couple reasons not to listen to this voice. One is that it’s not very respectful to the awesome girl. She deserves the chance to decide whether I’m right for her, doesn’t she? It’s also likely that sometimes this voice will be coming from my fear, which does its darnedest to keep me from taking any chances at all. And not taking chances is a sure-fire way to not accomplish anything.

So then.

At the beginning, I was going to say that I wasn’t sure whether or not to listen to that voice. But now it sounds like I’ve convinced myself to give it no credence. Sure, there are times it’ll be right. But those times, there will be other factors I should use to make the decision. That voice, that fear, shouldn’t be making the decision for me.

Huh.

I guess talking things out does help.