Pen to Paper

First off, I know it’s been over a month since a 7 Word Review. That’s because the only new movie (read: in theaters) I’ve seen in the past month is Ninja Assassin, and that only needs a 2 word review (Ninja. Assassin.) Maybe I should expand that to include movies on DVD and books… but I’m also planning to bring in a widget for Goodreads, which would (presumbably) cover that end. If you’ve got a suggestion along these lines, please do share.

But that’s not what this post is about, that’s just taking care of business. The bulk of this is going to be me working through my thoughts, trying to sort things out. I feel like in college I had plenty of people to talk things through with, but since then not so much. (I don’t think that’s accurate, but I spent the past year-ish living thousands of miles from my confidants). So only read the rest of this if you want to eavesdrop on my talking to myself.

Like most young people, I spend a fair amount of time thinking about relationships and the opposite gender. In high school I had certain opinions on the subject, and while I’ve moved quite a ways away from that point I know that’s where I came from. I can’t change the past, and since the past is what brought me to where I am today I wouldn’t want to.

In college (and after), I’ve tended to have one of a few positions on relationships. “Hey, I’m getting good vibes from this girl and I’m attracted to her, let’s see if there’s anything there” is one. “I’m gonna be moving soon and don’t want to start anything” and “$&*# I just had a relationship end badly, let’s not do that again” were reasons I’ve decided to rest on my laurels at times.

Over the past year or so, I’ve had two thoughts I keep running into and (at least partially) disagreeing with. One is a position I’ve heard others endorse (external) giving reasons to try to get married, the other is my own mental block I’m trying to deal with (internal) giving reasons not to date.

External: I’m sick and tired of people telling me that I HAVE to get married (or telling other people, or telling everyone young, etc etc). I’ve heard it several different times from the pulpit, I’ve overheard it or been told it in conversation, and it’s the general vibe American society gives singles (if you’ve ever gone to a restaurant and asked for a table for 1, you know what I mean). I’ve heard pastors say that getting married is how to become a man, and that I’m a loser and a joke for being out of college and single. No scripture to back up either claim – just yelling.

I’ve been told that it’s a Christian duty to get married and make babies, “because that’s the number one way the church gets new members.” 1) that’s a description of what is, not what should be, and 2) what does it say about your religious system if the number one recruiting tool is brainwashing kids in Sunday School?

Lastly, to the embodiment of American culture that I will call Dave I say this: “Dave, I get it. I’ve heard the songs, seen the movies and tv shows, and read the books. Love is awesome, especially if Hugh Grant or Drew Barrymore is involved. Can you please make a little room for the single folks now? Thanks.”

Internal: This one’s tougher, b/c I’m not sure where the voice in my head is coming from. On a few separate occasions recently, I’ve found myself thinking something along the lines of, “Wow, she’s an awesome girl. But I’m not right for her. She deserves a guy who’s more ____.” Maybe this is right sometimes. Or maybe it’s the voice of my fear, making excuses for reasons not to take chances. It’s hard to tell, since the voice is in my head. It always sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

The thing is, there are times this is right. There are probably billions of girls in the world that I’m not right for. If I had money to spare, I would bet money on this. Of all the girls in the world that I am not right for, it makes sense that I’d have met several of them over the course of my life, and more hypothetical betting money would say that I’ll think some of these girls are awesome. So maybe I’m just saving myself time and pain by not asking out girls that things would end badly with.

However, there are at least a couple reasons not to listen to this voice. One is that it’s not very respectful to the awesome girl. She deserves the chance to decide whether I’m right for her, doesn’t she? It’s also likely that sometimes this voice will be coming from my fear, which does its darnedest to keep me from taking any chances at all. And not taking chances is a sure-fire way to not accomplish anything.

So then.

At the beginning, I was going to say that I wasn’t sure whether or not to listen to that voice. But now it sounds like I’ve convinced myself to give it no credence. Sure, there are times it’ll be right. But those times, there will be other factors I should use to make the decision. That voice, that fear, shouldn’t be making the decision for me.

Huh.

I guess talking things out does help.

Looks like I’m gonna be a student again. I just got accepted to the MLS program at IUPUI. Still sorting out the details, but hopefully this means I’ll be moving back to the Indy area around Thanksgiving.

…Jim Butcher’s Turn Coat. It’s the most recent book in The Dresden Files, a series about another (much more awesome) wizard named Harry. I came across a bit that hit close to home.

“…at the end of the day you obsess about having everything ordered the way you want it.” … She smirked. “The problem is that your bastion of order is sort of tough to coexist with.”

“I have no bastions. I am bastionless.”

“Hah,” Murphy said. “You like the same car, the same apartment, the same restaurant. You like not needing to answer to anyone, and doing the jobs your conscience dictates you should do, without worrying about the broader issues the involve. You hang out, fairly happy without much in the way of material wealth and follow your instincts, and be damned to anyone who tells you otherwise. That’s your order.”

Granted, I am not a wizard private investigator. It still reminds me a bit of myself.

The Good Book says “Confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, and you will be saved,” right?

No mention of believing that religious texts are 100% literally word-for-word from the mouth of God.

Sidebar: Shouldn’t 100% literalists be concerned about using the original Greek words for “Jesus is Lord,” since that’s what the text actually says word-for-word?

When you think about it, most of the tactics we subconsciously use to deal with stress aren’t that great. They tend to be internal – they’ll reduce the stress level temporarily, but don’t do much to change the circumstances causing stress.

So after a few days of feeling unproductive and overwhelmed, I made a list of all the projects/goals I’ve got going in one stage or another right now, which means they’re all spinning around in some part of my mind at the same time. Seeing it all on paper (well, dry erase board) was a bit shocking. I hadn’t realized I’d committed myself to so much, even if the commitment was only to myself.

But.

Writing it all down was a start. Now I can take a more systematic, methodical approach. Now I don’t have to be thinking “I should be working on this and this and this and this,” because it’s out of my head. I can just look at the paper and see what needs to be done.

And yes, writing here is one of the things on the list. I haven’t been here as much as I should the past few weeks, and (one) goal is to change that.